Episode One, Do I have Postnatal Depression? Or what on earth is going on here?

….This year has been a hard year, 

One where I have wondered many times, Am I Depressed? Do I have Postnatal Depression? 

Or am I just ungrateful?? Possibly selfish??  Maybe a terrible mother??? Incapable? Lazy?? I’m a Women’s Health Professional for God’s Sake I should be better at this!!!! Why the dark thoughts and the apathy. Where have I gone?

All the the while,

Continuing to show up, to smile, to put on that mask (at times not well!)

Then at times when I’m alone at home,

To fall apart (sometimes in front of the kids), to feel guilty, the self-blame. 

For our family it’s been a year of lots of change, a new baby (unexpected), a third child, many schedules to memorise, many needs to attend. The expectation I put on myself (or was that society-The patriarchy???!!!)  to not have needs of my own.

The wanting to do it all, pretending I can, then in the quiet, those thoughts that scare me. “I hate this, I will never get out of this”.  

A year where I have found little energy to take care of myself, to have my own dreams, my own wants, my own career, my own life. The love for my kids throughout this time has never dipped. Myself, not so much. 

A year where something bad happened to someone I love, the anguish and anger, the pain, the feeling I have shared too much, too little, never knowing if they are ok/will they be ok/will they be traumatised for life? Is it even too much me sharing this now?

I tried all of the tricks - thinking positively! Falling apart, seeing a therapist, resting more, exercising! Less coffee, more coffee, journaling, crystals, manifesting, gratitude, meditation, being vulnerable, talking it out with my friends, crying at the park, yelling at my husband, apologising to my husband, etcetera. 

I am mostly out of that place now.

I now feel joy often and laugh easily, I’m inspired again.

I am however one of the lucky ones - I have resources- enough money to live on, a loving husband and family, healthy children, a group of friends I love and trust and can turn to, 

But what about all of those mothers without these resources?? How do they survive?

I have thought this so many times this year. 

I have also thought many times, this story is not one only of darkness, it is one of great beauty and growth and resilience. I am not regretful of it at all. 

And this podcast is not about me, it is actually about you, my friend. Maybe Motherhood for me, and for you, and for all of us, is a spiritual path. 

We as  mothers all have a story. As soon as Motherhood enters our consciousness, so with it comes challenge, transformation and our lives are never the same.